Highs and Lows
by barsonaddict
Summary: Olivia receives flowers from an unexpected source after Townhouse Incident.
1. Chapter 1

**_This chapter takes place immediately after Community Policing (17x5)_**

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***August 2015***

By the time Olivia leaves the hospital, it's late- almost midnight. She really should just go home and relieve the nanny, but after the way the grand jury went that morning she feels the need to touch base with Barba.

She is infuriated with his actions today; with the way he used her career against her and her fellow officers. This case is getting worse by the hour it seems, and there's still a violent rapist on the loose.

Knowing Barba like she does, even at this late hour she knows he will be in his office.

She's hoping they can hash things out and move past it quickly: she's angry but it doesn't change how she feels about him.

They admitted their feelings for each other just before Noah's adoption was finalized. It's only been a few months, but it feels so natural and they had settled into a relationship easier than she thought possible.

Getting through security at Hogan Place is easy, the guards all know her well after all these years. On the third floor his office is the only one occupied; the light filtering out into the hallway. She doesn't bother knocking.

Despite the fact that she had texted him before leaving the hospital he looks surprised to see her.

"Lieutenant," he greets formally, causing her to stop mid stride and look at him closer. He never calls her that in private anymore. It's always 'Liv' or a Spanish endearment like cariño or mi amor.

The scotch glass in his hand is half full, and she can't hold in the question forming on her lips. "How many have you had tonight?"

He grimaces at her question. "Not enough," he replies.

Silence falls as Barba continues to sip at his drink, watching the muted television that is tuned to a news channel. Scenes of protest around the city are on the screen. Olivia watches him watch tv- a sinking feeling in her stomach.

"Are you going to look at me?" she asks.

Barba takes another drink then sets his glass down on his desk. He takes a deep breath then locks eyes with his girlfriend. The pain and guilt she sees in his face set off warning bells in her head.

"Rafael? What is it?" As soon as she asks the question she wants to take it back, certain she doesn't want to hear what he has to say right now.

He takes another deep breath, steadying himself, and replies, "I think we need to talk."


	2. Chapter 2

_**This chapter skips ahead in time and takes place after Townhouse Incident (17x11).**_

 ** _Thank you so much for the reviews, follows and faves! I have the rest of the story finished and will post it over the next couple of days. Enjoy!_**

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***January 2016***

The flowers arrived in the early afternoon- just as she was getting Noah cleaned up from lunch and ready for his nap.

Even though she hadn't slept a wink the night before- hadn't even laid down, really-she couldn't bear to send Noah out the door to daycare this morning.

Instead they stayed home- playing cars and colouring and doing flash cards.

They were working on colours this morning, and though Noah could say the words, he wasn't quite accurate with identifying the correct hues.

When the doorman brought up the delivery, Olivia wasn't surprised. It's not like the hostage situation had been kept quiet, and though she received texts from close friends and squad members last night, she knew while some would send flowers to her office, one or two would send them to her home.

"Presents, Mama?" Noah asks when he sees her arms full of flowers and bright tissue paper. He had become quite the experienced unwrapper at his birthday party a couple weeks before.

"Yeah, sweetie. Let's open the card and see who sent us such lovely flowers." It's a toss up really- she spoke to Nick briefly last night, but she also has a sneaking suspicion that they might be from Tucker.

She places the large, bright blooms on the coffee table and quickly finds the small card. The handwriting shocks her- he is the last person she thought would send something, especially after the message she received the night before.

'Liv. Glad to hear it ended as well as it could have, considering. Get some rest.'

Succinct, almost clinical. Rafael Barba is nothing if not predictable. But these flowers- a rainbow of blooms adorned with a tiny balloon clearly meant for Noah, and a bag with further goodies- these are surprising.

With a shaky hand she opens the envelope, tears starting to fall just seeing her name in his messy scrawl.

'Liv,

I don't really know what to say, but I'm so sorry you had to go through that yesterday. I hope you know you can come to me anytime if you need anything. At all. I know we're going through a rough patch but we were good friends before and I want to get back there. I hope these brighten up the apartment, and there are a few things in the bag to hopefully bring a smile to your face.

Take care,

Rafael'

Noah has taken the tissue paper from the top of the gift bag and started throwing it over his head.

Wiping the tears from her cheeks, she takes a deep breath and pulls the bag closer. "Here, Noah. What's this?" She pulls out two books- one a board book for Noah and the other a book of poetry; reading the title chokes her up again. Goddamn that man.

Why was he doing this now? He was the one who broke things off. He was the one that didn't want to deal with this. With the thought that she might not come home one night.

Noah has abandoned the tissue and bypassed the books for treasure in the bag: a stuffed teddy bear with a striped tie.

He pulls the toy into a hug, then holds it out to his mother. "Rafa, mama!" The joy on his face breaks her heart. Barba's visits to their home had come to an abrupt halt, and Noah definitely noticed, asking for his friend and playmate often.

She misses him in so many ways. He had filled her professional life with sassy comebacks, caffeine runs, and absolute dedication to their cases. In her personal life he had always been a good listener, shared the same taste in music and movies, and was always interested in spending time with Noah. As her lover he was attentive, caring and intense- he brought her to heights she didn't know existed in both body and soul. But he also caused more heartbreak than she had ever experienced.

The highest highs and lowest lows. She knows, without a doubt if it were just about her- she would've tried anything to make it work. But she has Noah to consider as well, and if there's something other than the alcohol issues she got from her mother, it's not wanting to bring men in and out of her son's life.

Olivia can't remember how many times she'd get attached to a 'father figure' only to never see them again, flimsy excuses working only until she was five or six. She doesn't want Noah to go through that.

She knows she shouldn't, but can't resist snapping a couple of pics of Noah cuddling the toy that will certainly be named Rafa, and sending one to his namesake.

'Noah won't stop cuddling him. Thank you.'

She ponders over saying something else, and eventually settles on 'Thanks for the flowers, and the books too. You didn't have to. I'm fine, just taking the required time by the department. I'll be back soon.'

He must not be in court because he answers before she even has a chance to put her phone down.

'Don't rush it. Enjoy the time with Noah.'

He seems to be pondering saying something else as well, the little dots keep appearing then disappearing on her screen. Finally, another message comes through.

'If it's alright, I'd really like to stop by to see you. Depending on the time I'll bring coffee or wine. Your choice.'

She chuckles to herself, then takes a steadying breath and answers, 'Your call. If you want to see your little friend you are welcome to join us for dinner, I promised him chicken balls.'

There is no delay this time. 'I'll pick up take out on my way over. Around 6?'

'Sounds good. See you then, xx'

It takes a moment after the message sends for her to realize that she added "xx" out of habit. God, it's been months now. Would she ever get over him? She sighs and tosses her phone onto the couch beside her and focuses on her sleepy boy to avoid over analyzing Barba's typing habits in response to her typed kisses.

"Noah, it's time for a nap. Want to bring your new friend?" She questions her son, hoping for a smooth transition.

"Read my book?" He replies with wide eyes.

"Yes, sweetheart. We can read your new book too. You'll have to remember to say thank you to Rafa when you see him tonight."

Noah repeats thank you Rafa as Liv scoops him up and heads back to his room.

Twenty minutes later Noah is asleep and she returns to the couch to grab her phone, smiling at Barba's response.

'Looking forward to seeing you both, I'll text you when I'm on my way. Have a relaxing afternoon, x'

Liv sighs and falls back into the couch cushions, looking at the flowers again. She closes her eyes, trying to determine whether or not she can sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Thanks again for all the support. One more after this!**_

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Barba leaves his office just after five- surprising Carmen who has gotten used to leaving hours before her boss.

He places their takeout order from his Uber, and then opens his texts to read Liv's message for the hundredth time that afternoon.

The 'xx' at the end of her message fills his heart with hope. He regrets being a coward and running when things got tough. His life has been lonely since he stopped spending time at the Benson household. He's hoping that he will get a chance to apologize tonight, and if he's lucky maybe Liv will give him a second chance.

He's still staring at the message when the driver lets him know they've arrived at the restaurant.

Twenty minutes later he is juggling the takeout bags and his briefcase to knock on her apartment door.

A muffled, "Rafa! Rafa!" can be heard through the door, and it makes him smile. He's missed spending time with Noah; hadn't realized how much he looked forward to spending Saturday mornings at the park with him until the weekly ritual was replaced with doing paperwork in his office.

When Olivia opens the door Noah slams into Barba's legs and holds on tight. She reaches out to take the bags of take out and his briefcase so Barba can properly greet the little boy.

Barba reaches down and lifts Noah, pulling him into a hug. "Hi, Noah. You're getting so big! You must be eating a horse every night for dinner!"

"Dat silly, Noah don't eat horse!" Noah laughs and wraps his little arms around Barba's neck.

Together the boys make their way into the kitchen where Olivia is unpacking the food. Rafael wants to greet her the same way he did her son, but settles for gently squeezing her shoulder and a soft smile.

He takes in the bruising on her face and feels oddly satisfied that she didn't see any reason to try and hide it: she's not wearing any makeup. In fact, he feels very overdressed in his work suit as Liv and Noah are both in comfy sweats.

"How was your day?" he asks her quietly, rubbing Noah's back as the boy seems to have settled in for a snuggle.

Liv swallows and gives him a small smile. "It was okay. Nothing terribly exciting happened which was nice." She knows if he stays after Noah has gone to bed they'll get into details, but now is not the time.

Barba just nods, accepting her brief explanation. "Did you have fun with Mommy today, Noah?"

Still clinging to Barba, Noah's answer is muffled into his shoulder. "Yep. Love Mama."

Before, Rafael would have answered 'I love Mama too'. But he doesn't have that right anymore, so he swallows those words down and says, "Yeah, she's the best."

Noah sits up in Barba's arms to look at his face and says happily, "Love Rafa too!"

Tears spring to Olivia's eyes and she returns her focus to the food to distract herself. She doesn't want to start crying in front of Noah, she's not sure she'll be able to stop.

Rafael doesn't miss Liv's reaction, and has to suppress tears himself. He smiles, his voice husky when he answers, "I love you too, Noah."

Noah smiles happily at the adults, and cheers when he sees the chicken balls on his Mickey Mouse plate. "Hungry! Chick ball!"

Liv and Rafael busy themselves with getting dinner on the table and Noah set up- both trying to ignore the awkwardness Noah's declaration caused.

After a few minutes they are back to their new normal, chatting lightly about inconsequential things like the latest gossip around the precinct and the DA's office. By the time they are finished eating Noah has red sauce covering him. Rafael offers to wipe him clean but Liv brushes him off, opting to just put him right into the bath instead.

While she gets Noah cleaned up and ready for bed, Barba tidies up the remnants of their dinner and opens a bottle of red to breathe, hoping he will be welcome to stay.

He's sitting on the couch deleting emails when he hears the distinct sound of Noah's footie pajamas pitter-pattering down the hallway.

"Night night Rafa," he says, reaching his arms out for a hug.

Barba obliges the toddler, picking him up and pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. "Night night, Noah. Have a good sleep, buddy."

"Otay," Noah mumbles in response.

Barba carries Noah back to his bedroom. There he finds Liv, sitting in the rocking chair.

"Rafa come back 'morrow?" the toddler's question causes Liv and Barba to lock eyes.

"I have to work tomorrow, Noh, but I'll come back soon I promise. How about we go to the park on Saturday?"

Noah perks up at the mention of his favourite place to go. "Slide?"

"You know it," Barba replies with a smile.

Olivia lifts one eyebrow, silently questioning what he's up to.

Barba just shrugs and kisses Noah once more before lowering him onto her lap for story time. "I opened that Cabernet you like, I hope that's okay?" he questions tentatively.

Liv nods, shifting Noah in her lap. "Yeah," she replies quietly. "I won't be too long, he's pretty tired."

Barba nods, then leaves them to their story, giving Noah one last wave before he exits the room.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Thanks for your patience, I decided to rewrite this chapter at the last minute. There will be one more chapter after this, a short epilogue. I have the scene in mind, just need to get some time to write it out hopefully before the weekend. Let me know what you think!**_

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Once Noah is tucked in, Liv stops in the bathroom to freshen up. She stares at her reflection for a long moment, wondering what Barba sees when he looks at her.

She's not wearing any makeup, and she thinks she looks every bit of her forty seven years of age. The bruising is prominent around her left eye although the swelling is down considerably thanks to an afternoon with an ice pack.

There was a time not so long ago that she could practically read his mind they were so in sync. When he broke up with her the hurt was magnified by the shock of his decision.

Shaking her head she goes back to the living room, hoping that he will help distract her from the thoughts starting to creep in now that Noah has gone to bed.

Olivia finds Rafael sitting on the couch- two glasses of red waiting for them on the coffee table. A feeling of déjà vu hits her: how many nights had this scenario played out at her apartment?

She grabs a glass and settles into the corner of the couch with a weary sigh. "Thanks, Barba," she murmurs, then takes a moment just to look at him. He looks almost as tired as she does.

Barba was sitting hunched over but picks up his wine and settles back into the cushions when Olivia stretches out one leg and nudges him with her toes.

"That's better," she says with a smirk, laughing lightly when he rolls his eyes at her.

They sit in comfortable silence and sip their wine, but Rafael's mind is racing. This was the first time in months that they had spent any time together outside of the office, and he's terrified that it will be the last time after he says what is on his mind.

The sound of Liv returning her now empty glass to the coffee table shakes him out of his reverie. "Refill?" he offers.

She shakes her head and silence falls around them again.

She wants to grab his hand and pull him into her bedroom, fall into bed and into his arms. He's such a good snuggler. He's strong, not too clingy, and he always smells so good. She won't lie and say he keeps her nightmares away, but having him there would always give her comfort when she woke.

"Liv? Do you want me to head out so you can get some rest?"

Barba's question makes her realize that now she's the one zoning out. "No, please stay. Sorry, my mind was wandering," she explains sheepishly.

He nods, but looks like he wants to say something. He opens his mouth to speak, but quickly closes it again.

"What is it, Rafael?"

"Liv, I...I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. That night, in my office- I panicked. The grand jury was so hard: on one hand, those officers used excessive force and I believe need to be held criminally responsible for that. On the other hand, the thought of you being in a situation where you doubted pulling your weapon and it cost you your life? Makes my blood run cold.

"So I panicked, and I let all my fears come to the surface and take over. I ran, and it was supposed to protect me from feeling this way. Yesterday was the scariest day of my life. I felt so out of control. But wasn't that what I wanted? I thought if we weren't together then if something happened to you I wouldn't feel like my heart was being ripped out.

"It didn't work. I didn't stop loving you, I didn't worry less, I just don't get to come home to you. I don't get to comfort you, be with Noah."

"Raf..." Olivia has tears sliding down her face.

"I'm so sorry, Liv. Please- if you still love me will you give me another chance? I promise this time I won't run away. I don't want to live another day without you. I love you, Olivia. You and Noah- you're my everything."

His eyes are wide and pleading. She searches his gaze and sees a cloud of emotions but the most prominent is fear.

She shifts next to him, taking one hand in hers and squeezing gently. "Rafael," she says quietly. "What are you afraid of? Do you really think I'm going to throw you out?"

"I hope not. I wouldn't blame you though, not after I treated you so badly."

Liv reaches out to cup his face, wiping a stray tear from his cheek with her thumb. "I love you. I never stopped. I don't know that I ever will. But I need you to understand something. I will not have you coming in and out of Noah's life. So you need to be a hundred percent sure that this is what you want."

He closes his eyes momentarily and lets out a breath of relief. "Yes, Liv. This, us- all three of us: it's what I want. Forever."

Olivia whispers 'okay' leans in and kisses him gently, then pulls back and stands up. Rafael gives her a puzzled look but she ignores him, grabbing his hand and pulling him toward the back of the apartment.

"Liv?" He questions as they make their way down the hall.

"I'm exhausted, and all I want is for you to hold me. We'll talk tomorrow but for now: bed," she explains, pushing him to his side of what will again be 'their' bed.

He stumbles a little, confused at Olivia's lack of reaction to his declarations.

"Are you going to join me?" Her question pulls him back to the present- Liv has slipped under the covers already and is waiting for him in the middle of the bed.

Barba shakes his head asking, "How are you so okay with this?"

She gives him a puzzled look- it's definitely not the first time they've shared a bed.

"I broke up with you out of fear, dropped out of your son's life, all with no warning, and you're taking me back with no reservations?" His voice is tight and if she didn't know him so well he would appear angry.

"Rafael, please. Just take off your clothes and get in here with me." When he just looks at her she huffs and grumbles, "Fine. Apparently we are talking tonight."

She crawls on the bed over to where he is standing and sits up on her knees. She reaches out and puts her hands on his shoulders, then waits for him to look at her.

"Raf, I don't have any reservations because you put them all to rest. I trust you. When you tell me that you want me, that you want to be a family with me and Noah, I trust you wouldn't make that decision lightly.

"You asked me to give you another chance if I still loved you. This is me giving you another chance, because I love you even more than I did six months ago. I don't want to go another day without you in our lives. There's nothing for me to think about because I know what I want: you. It's been you for a long time now."

Olivia searches his eyes for understanding, and when she sees it, smiles and says, "Now, am I going to have to ask you again to take off your clothes and get into bed?"

Barba smirks and shakes his head. He moves to step back from the bed to get undressed but Liv has moved her arms around the back of his neck.

She pulls him closer, but stops when her lips are barely brushing his. She gives him light, teasing kisses, and it's driving him crazy. He wraps his arms around her waist pulling her flush against him. Moving one hand up into her hair, Rafael takes control and pours all his pent up emotion into the kiss, ending it only when breathing becomes a necessity.

Their foreheads rest against each other and they are both trying to catch their breath.

"Wow," she breathes out, making him laugh.

"Yeah," he agrees, eyes sparkling.

"Are we good?" Liv asks while playing with the hair on the nape of his neck.

"We're excellent."

"Good because I really am exhausted," she says, burying her face in Rafael's neck. He rubs her back and murmurs for her to lay down.

Once she lets him go Rafael doesn't hesitate, stripping down to his boxers and sliding in next to Olivia. It doesn't take long before they are fitted together like puzzle pieces: his front to her back. Their fingers are linked and she feels so warm, so safe.

"Liv?" he whispers after a few minutes.

"Hmm," she answers, mostly asleep.

"I love you."

Her response is a barely audible, 'you too' and hugging his arm a little tighter. She's so happy to have him back in her bed, back in her life. As she slips into sleep she has one final thought, 'I guess I won't have to worry about getting over him ever again.'


	5. Epilogue

_**Well, it's been awhile, but now this fic is officially finished! I would love to hear what you think :)**_

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In the months since Rafael and Olivia were together the first time, many things had changed.

Noah was more active and talkative. Liv had a new workout routine that she did every weekday morning. Rafael had changed from cream to milk in his coffee. Some changes were big, some small, some just a natural progression. But the biggest change right now seemed to be the weather.

"When I mentioned coming to the park I was remembering bringing him here on warm July mornings, not in the middle of a polar vortex," Barba grumbles, pulling the toddler in a sled along an icy path in Central Park.

Olivia's answering laughter is music to his ears, and almost makes him forget about the windchill. Almost.

He glances at her, then back at Noah, peering at him through the shiny plastic of the wind cover. "Are you sure he's warm enough? It's fu- freezing out here."

"Yes, Raf," she rolls her eyes. "He's perfectly fine in his snowsuit rated for the Arctic, and inside his little bubble. Stop trying to use him to cover up your hatred of the cold."

"I'm Cuban, Liv. It's literally in my blood to embrace the heat and the sun. I'm sure you must have Nordic Vikings somewhere on your family tree- your enjoyment of the cold is just not natural."

She laughs again, and this time he reaches out and grabs her gloved hand, pulling her to a stop.

"Wha-" he cuts her off with a kiss that instantly warms them both. "Not that I'm complaining but what was that for?"

Barba places another kiss on her lips then shrugs and starts walking again, pulling the sled with one hand and holding onto his girlfriend with the other. "I just love you. And for too long I had to resist every urge I had to kiss you. Now I don't."

Olivia's heart melts. Rafael Barba certainly has a way with words, but he never says something he doesn't mean. Which is why they're currently enduring the freezing weather so he can come through on his promise to take Noah to the park. He's shown her time and again that she made the right decision in giving him another chance.

As they round a bend in the path and their usual playground comes into view Noah starts calling out, "Slide! Wanna slide Rafa!"

Not breaking stride Barba calls back over his shoulder, "We're almost there, amigo!"

The little family braves the cold for about an hour before Liv takes pity on Barba and bribes Noah to leave with promises of cookies and hot cocoa.

Watching him settle Noah into the sled and dropping a kiss on Noah's red nose it hits her just how much she loves him.

When Rafael turns around he finds his girlfriend staring at him with a goofy smile on her face. "What, do you want a nose kiss too?" he teases, gently pulling on her scarf.

"No, I want a real kiss," she replies. Barba kisses her smile quickly, then grabs her hand and starts down the path at a brisk pace. "Hey! I said a real kiss."

"Dios mío Olivia, I'm freezing my ass off out here. When we get to the cafe we can push the boundaries of public decency. Until then, let's move!"

She laughs and just enjoys the moment: a beautiful (if cold) sunny day in the park with her son and the love of her life. What could be better?


End file.
